Thursday, August 28, 2014

Some thoughts on 2013...

Grief is handled in different ways by different people. For me, I withdrew from all things that I was not required to do. I left a lot of the junk unsaid. So, I am going to try to fill in some "blanks" that have been left as I struggled through the grief process after the failed adoption of our precious Ana Faith. These are in no particular order, and I cannot muster the organizational strength to put them in order. They are simply thoughts (some angry, some hopeless, some irreverent), lessons, words from scripture, words of encouragement, and actual happenings from 2013. I have resisted this post for quite a while because I do not want to "relive" it. But-- it is necessary for me, and I hope it is helpful for you. I hope, most of all, that these random thoughts convey two things: 1) God is present-even when you feel you cannot take another breath, and 2) He is the only Healer, our only Hope in this very broken world.

If God loves orphans, and He is omnipotent, then why can't He do something so that my orphan can come home? Wow did I ever struggle with this one. I mean for months and months. I know my God is able, and I know my God loves the orphan--every single one of them. Then why oh why can Ana Faith not come to our home where she will be loved, cherished, taught, get the medical care she needs, and for goodness dressed really cute? I mean really! I spent time actually fussing at the God of the Universe. Angry, hurt, and broken--but He would pull me close with His Spirit and speak gently to my heart--"She is mine, Donna, she is mine."
Is it really God's will that she not come home? Or, did evil intervene, and so it is still God's will, just not His time? 
I held on to this one for a long time. I felt angry when people would tell me "it wasn't meant to be," or "it's just not God's plan." "IT WAS MEANT TO BE PEOPLE," I screamed silently in my head and heart. God TOLD us to go and get her. It could not have been more clear. He orchestrated it all and we watched with wonder, anticipation and excitement as He provided everything we needed for this adoption! We rejoiced at His goodness and His power over so many seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  I still don't understand my friends, but I cling to this verse: "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16. Ana's days are playing out according to His plan--and I think it is okay to sometimes not be all that crazy about His plan.
Getting out of bed and getting to the shower is like walking through wet concrete in lead boots.
If you know me, you know I have never been a perky, morning person. But I truly have never felt such a pull to stay in bed. I wanted to cocoon myself in my home and "check out." The fact that I had a job with loving co-workers who cried with me, prayed with me, and loved me, was truly one of God's most beautiful blessings of the year.(thank you girls, you know who you are).

"God is near to the brokenhearted, He saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
He is friends--He truly is. Sometimes it is after I had cried all I could (for that day) and I finally decided that there was nowhere else to go, I would go to Him. Even though I had just spoken my anger and lack of understanding to Him (not sweetly, I might add). He is a good Father--and He welcomed me to His arms.

Will I ever feel joy again?
I truly did not know. But then, God showed me that I may have lost, but He had given so very much. I have a husband who stands above the general crowd of husbands. Rob didn't judge my grief or my questions (or my general  lack of spirituality). He didn't scold, he didn't brush me off, he didn't try to pacify me. He continually (through his own tears and grief) pointed me to our good God. My Heavenly Father reminded me of my three beautiful daughters, my amazing son-in-law and my wonderful son-in-law-to-be. He reminded me that He had provided a sweet and caring boyfriend for Kasey. He gave me amazing parents, a caring father-in-law, and a church family that was grieving right beside me. Most of all, He gave me His Son--so I was ever going to feel joy again, I must learn to trust Him with my daughter in Russia.

Is Jesus enough  Donna?
Hmmm...well God, can I think about that one?? And I did. And He accepted my hesitation to answer. I can honestly say today that YES! HE IS ENOUGH! He is enough when I am thrilled with life, and He is my portion when I am barely breathing. Jesus IS enough. 

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
And he answers me from his holy hill. Selah
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."
Psalm 3:3-5

I cannot tell you how many nights (approximately 365 in the year of 2013) I fell asleep reading this verse quoting this verse, leaning on this verse as if my very life depended on it--and I think it did. He is a shield, He bestows glory, He lifts our head, We can cry aloud to Him, He answers us and gives us access to HIMSELF ON HIS HOLY HILL, We can sleep and we can wake up--and He will sustain us.  

Friends, if you are hurting today, cry aloud to Him--He doesn't require anything else. He will hear you, answer you and sustain you.


  1. thank you for posting this. i had been wondering how you were doing. i've been following your blog since you started your adoption journey.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart Donna. It is sure to help others deal with grief as well. Hugs dear friend. Keep posting!