As most of you know we have encountered quite a challenge in our planned adoption. Parts of Eastern Europe are now involved in an adoption ban.
So where does that leave us? Well, I truly wish I knew. News reports are confusing. Some say only those who have passed court will be able to take their kids home.. Some say things will go on as usual until January 2014. Some say each region will interpret and apply the law as they see fit. The truth is we just don't know.
Each night I go into Ana Faith's (not her real name, but the name we will give her) room and I plead with God for this to be her room, her clothes, her toys, her bed. I ask God to speak and I ask Him to lead. And He does speak, and He has led. He remains faithful as I pour out my heart to Him and beg for her to be ours. Then He reminds me that He is THE GOD ABOVE ALL. He sees and knows all. He loves Ana Faith because she is His.
This week as I have been praying, I have comforted myself with thoughts like, "Why would He take us to this point and then halt this adoption?" Followed by doubtful thought like, "Did we hear Him correctly? What if we had worked faster and harder on our paperwork--would she be home now? Why has this happened to us?" Then I was challenged by the Holy Spirit. Why not? Am I so different or special that I don't have to suffer heartache in this life?
Then it came. The biggest question that God has ever asked me in this life. "Am I willing to go through this process, lose a child that I felt sure was mine, be confused and devastated...all so His Kingdom can be advanced?"And the questions still come: " HOW IN THE WORLD COULD AN ORPHAN NOT HAVING A FAMILY ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM?" I just don't get it.
But my answer depends completely on WHO my life is committed to. This adoption--from the beginning--was God's idea. So, even though it didn't make much sense, we desired to be obedient. And in the process we fell deeply in love with a 23 pound 5-year-old in the middle of Eastern Europe.What do I do with this?
I am truly wrestling with God on this one. My heart is given over to this little girl and I want her. But the bottom line for me is where my heart's desire truly lies. Do I want MY will over HIS will? Well, honestly there are moments I think I do. But as I pray and remember His perfect love for me, I can only choose to surrender my will to His.
I will assuredly continue to plead for God to show Himself strong on behalf of Ana Faith. But I will seek to allow Him to mold me to desire His Kingdom above all else. Hard to put that down on paper but these are times for hard commitments.
Please continue to pound on the doors of heaven for our Ana Faith.