Our God is so faithful. I am in awe tonight of how faithful He remains--even in my unfaithfulness.
I spent some time last weekend with my "Adoption Expense/Donation Spreadsheet." Okay, I know I have come down pretty hard on my sweet husband for his great love of spreadsheets (he thinks in spreadsheets, you know). But I must say that I have come to understand him a bit better (just a bit...) during this adoption process. We have determined that we would document every donation and how every dollar has been spent. We want to be above reproach and be able to show, on paper, how we have used the money that so many have sacrificed to give us.
When we first heard God stirring our hearts for Sweet A, we were puzzled at why He would call us at this time in our lives. Not only are we "older parents, (giggle)" we have had some challenges financially in recent years. Job loss, kids in college, a wedding--things we both mourned and celebrated. Of course we mourned the job loss, but were able to celebrate as God provide a new job quickly. Love seeing my girls follow their dreams through college, but miss them dearly when they leave. Enjoyed every aspect of wedding planning, details and the big day! But I do miss my grown up girl at the dinner table (or restaurant table).One thing in common in all of these situations .....money! Cannot get around it, we were intrigued at how this adoption would come together financially. But He has provided for every need. And He continues to provide.
Last weekend, we were able to participate in the Tarrant County Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome. I was so excited to be a part of this new community and looked so forward to this day! As we walked around the incredible event, I saw hundreds of beauties with those amazing almond shaped eyes. We so enjoyed the event with our dear friends, but I found myself missing Sweet A so very much. Every time I saw a little one, I would wonder what our little one was doing, how she was doing, and when we would be able to get back to her.
Here is where we are. The paperwork is done on our end. Our adoption agency is doing their final checks and our court dossier (a bunch of papers for the judge to look over) should be going to Eastern Europe in the next couple of weeks. From there, there is a preliminary court hearing with our representative, and if the judge doesn't ask for more paperwork, our court date will be set. Then we get to go back! We are praying this happens in November or early December. So for now, we wait.
We still have to prepare her room, and we still need funds. So while we are eager to get back to EE, my mind has begun to ask questions. "What if we don't have all the money when we get the call to go to court?" "How in the world will we ever get this money?" "What should we do?"
After we left the Buddy Walk last weekend, these questions found their way to my lips. I sobbed most of the way home. I write those words out of my total need to be transparent. I am not proud of those questions, and I am not proud of my doubt. But, for me it is part of my journey, and I don't want to paint a picture that doesn't exist.
Here comes the funny part (kind of). As I sat there bawling, Rob first looked at me like I had three heads. But he was very sweet and calmly said, "Sweetheart, God has provided exactly what we needed at the exact time we needed it throughout this whole process. He has called us, and He is going to provide again this time. I know you would like to have all His provision right now, but this will cause our faith to grow." Then, to lighten the mood, he started singing a scripture song that we taught our girls when they were young. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Guess what? I got mad.
I got really mad at him! I told him he just didn't understand! I told him to stop judging me! I cried some more. OH dear--can you believe that?? Here is the worst....I told him to stop quoting scripture to me!!
NOT my finest moment folks. But you know what? Once again, I came to the end of myself and my own strength. I confessed my doubt and disbelief to my loving Heavenly Father, and decided to rest in His provision. He gave me peace and assurance that He has this whole strangely wonderful situation in His plan and in His hands.
Tonight I got a call and it was from a dear friend informing me that she and her husband had made a donation to our adoption fund. Already done. Sent this week. Done. Sent. We are halfway funded for trip #2. God is good. God provides. God has this.